All posts tagged: pain

Depression for an a-theist

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the godless side

There is pressure, maybe we all feel it, to present a strength to the world.  That you are strong.  That either your life is so good it’s worth envying, or it’s so hard that we should all admire your strength within it.  That there is an inner force within oneself, a strong one, that knows things.  That figures them out.  That is the teacher and the student.  We applaud the successes or the authenticity in […]

Maybe god actually brought joy

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the godless side

Sometimes my experience of my life is heart-achingly sad.  It’s been over 2.5 years that I’ve been godless, and, despite my “enlightenment,” consistently I find that it is very difficult to find joy. According to the bible, the following are the result of the holy spirit: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.” Contrary to Christian teaching, I’ve found that without the spirit of god in my life, there is now MORE […]

Dear Pastor’s Wife.. (and deep mother wounds)

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

I wrote this letter a few days ago when I had some open-ended downtime allowing for the emotions to come forth.  I haven’t mailed it yet. Caroline* was my pastor’s wife during the church I attended from childhood through adulthood.  A mentor during tough times, a shoulder to cry on, a gentle support in times of need, she filled a role of mother in my life that I desperately needed during my teen and young adult […]

Baby’s Funeral Part 2. And why God doesn’t comfort.

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the godless side / the post-God side

2. Belief in God creates an atmosphere of denial for the grieving I was one of the very few people at the funeral wearing black.  Most were adorned in an array of colors.  When I asked my sister-in-law about it, she said, “We have no reason to mourn, ever.  The departed are in a better place, a level of heaven better than on earth.  And we will see them again!”   She continued, “One of the […]

I’m so lost.

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the godless side

Sometimes I write from a positive perspective because it helps me stay afloat, reminds me to keep my eyes up, and gives me some sort of a sense of hope.  I talk about freedom, newness.  But to be honest, life does not feel very hopeful.  I’m overwhelmed and lost much of the time.  I’m hellbound for eternity and purposeless on earth.  How can I be found?! Several nights this week I’ve cried myself to sleep.  I cleaned […]

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

Every bone in my face throbs.  My sinuses ache from the pressure of the tears.  My eyes, swollen and sticky.   This has been the worst night of my entire life. Can you really believe that?  Can I? Is this real?  Such a declarative, superlative statement.  “Worst night” and “entire life.”  Exaggerating? I’ve got to be kidding.  Please, let me be kidding. Honestly, I can think that only the death of my husband or baby […]

13 Months. The hardest year I will ever face. (*fingers crossed*)

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leaving Christianity

It’s been a hard year.  I’ve dealt with several major life changes (moving overseas, losing faith, having a change in my very worldview, and having a baby) along with extreme psychological and emotional strains (Seasonal Affect Disorder, Postpartum Depression, and coming out to my family feeling a total void of support from them).  Allow me to collect my thoughts and present some order to the chaos as I briefly sort it out. Months 1-3: Our overseas […]