All posts tagged: Identity Crisis

Identity in Christ = Worthlessness

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the godless side

Finding your identity in Christ… This was a message spoken to me day-to-day, week-to-week for decades.  It was about my self-worth, and my need to find it in another entity.  What does that mean when that entity disappears from your psyche by disbelief in his existence?  It means your worth disappears along with it. My worth, as a human, inherently and intrinsically, was always nothing.  I was only valuable through the eyes of god, who […]

Dear Pastor’s Wife.. (and deep mother wounds)

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

I wrote this letter a few days ago when I had some open-ended downtime allowing for the emotions to come forth.  I haven’t mailed it yet. Caroline* was my pastor’s wife during the church I attended from childhood through adulthood.  A mentor during tough times, a shoulder to cry on, a gentle support in times of need, she filled a role of mother in my life that I desperately needed during my teen and young adult […]

Thank you, pastor’s wife, for giving me back my Dignity.

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the godless side

My pastor’s wife and I went for a walk this weekend.  Her words refreshed me more than anything anyone has said in a long, long time.  Why?  Because someone who we’ve “come out to” still affirms my value and worth, even from somewhat of a position of leadership over me.  (I say somewhat because we still consider that church to be our home church, as much as a church could be, because many of our […]

I’m so lost.

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the godless side

Sometimes I write from a positive perspective because it helps me stay afloat, reminds me to keep my eyes up, and gives me some sort of a sense of hope.  I talk about freedom, newness.  But to be honest, life does not feel very hopeful.  I’m overwhelmed and lost much of the time.  I’m hellbound for eternity and purposeless on earth.  How can I be found?! Several nights this week I’ve cried myself to sleep.  I cleaned […]

I don’t believe in God, but I believe in this word from him.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

A friend of mine told me “a word from the Lord” that she had for me.  She doesn’t yet know about my unbelief, but she was at least minimally aware of some difficulties we’ve had in telling others our decision not to return to the overseas mission field. “God is saying that your entire life, you’ve dictated your actions based on what other people would think of you, based on their expectations of you, and […]

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

Every bone in my face throbs.  My sinuses ache from the pressure of the tears.  My eyes, swollen and sticky.   This has been the worst night of my entire life. Can you really believe that?  Can I? Is this real?  Such a declarative, superlative statement.  “Worst night” and “entire life.”  Exaggerating? I’ve got to be kidding.  Please, let me be kidding. Honestly, I can think that only the death of my husband or baby […]

What Would Teal Do?

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the godless side

My husband (we’ll call him Silver) has left Christianity along with me, but his journey has been one of freedom, and mine, of grief.  At least it has been for the first several months.  Not being able to take our closeted status anymore, we decided the other day to tell some good friends where we stand.  Terrified of their response (though they were the perfect ratio of close enough to care but removed enough from our […]