All posts tagged: faith transition

Perfect is Ugly.

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the godless side / the post-God side

God was perfect.  Jesus was perfect.  And the message, over and over again, was that I am not perfect. But in order to be worthy of heaven, worthy of standing in the presence of god, worthy of LOVE,…..we had to be.  Perfect. Over and over, I learned that there were two ways of life — perfect, or not.  No in-between.  Pass or fail. And how can we live that way?  Always worried, never enough.  Never […]

Dear Pastor’s Wife.. (and deep mother wounds)

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

I wrote this letter a few days ago when I had some open-ended downtime allowing for the emotions to come forth.  I haven’t mailed it yet. Caroline* was my pastor’s wife during the church I attended from childhood through adulthood.  A mentor during tough times, a shoulder to cry on, a gentle support in times of need, she filled a role of mother in my life that I desperately needed during my teen and young adult […]

Christmas for an a-theist

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the godless side / Uncategorized

Freshness.  Reflection.  Hope.  Celebration. This is what Christmas is to me now. Freshness comes with cleansing.  Before the rebirth, things must first die.  But beautifully, wholly, like the snow-covered mountains painted across our horizons in the west.  But instead of focusing on the presently hidden nature of life, I see it as a promise of what’s to come. Last Christmas was our second one as atheists.  The first?  Stifling, meaningless, tragic.  But I was beginning […]

The gods of the steamy bath

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the godless side

That which has been the most difficult for me to replace from religion has been the peace, serenity, wholeness, other-worldly-connectedness I felt during prayer times and worship services.  Now that I no longer believe in the spiritual realm, it feels impossible for me to connect with that which I always associated with god.  I came close the last time I played piano (I wrote a blog about this months ago).  It was heavenly.  It’s been […]

Is life a Miracle?

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leaving Christianity / the godless side / the post-God side

Christians love to talk about the miracle of life.  In fact, I associated this feeling of specialness and self-importance with Christianity itself, assuming this religion held the monopoly on having purpose, being chosen, one-of-a-kind, rare, and entirely unique.  This correlation continued into my unbelief and contributed largely to my feeling of disconnect, unimportance, aloneness, and a deep despair due to my constant what’s-the-point thinking. Apart from being angering at the (hopefully) unintentional manipulation of religion […]

Religious differences didn’t break up my family.

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the godless side / the post-God side

Compared to last year, my parents’ visit this time around was phenomenal.  That word is strong, but it is contrasted with the worst week I have experienced. I was actually pretty shocked at how gracious and loving my parents were this year.  They spent 2.5 weeks here with us and stated their main purpose was twofold (1) to see us, of course, and (2) to do whatever they could to help us with our startup […]

The Second Coming of my Parents

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the godless side / the post-God side

The end of last summer was the hardest of my life.  I blogged a lot about this and the extreme emotion difficulties of coming out to my parents, their reaction, and their subsequent visit to Utah where we live.  It was horrible, dysfunctional, silent but deadly, and completely disheartening and chaotic when any words did emerge. It’s been almost a year since then, a year since I’ve seen them, a year since I chased them […]

Scrooged Soul Transformed.

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the godless side / the post-God side

I always used to feel guilty whenever I didn’t journal frequently as a Christian.  It was one of those things I was supposed to do and it tangibly identified my faithfulness in consistency with my “time with God,” as we called it. I suppose I view this blog as my new journal, although this time I actually have a real audience (as opposed to an omnipotent being that I thought poured over my every written […]