All posts tagged: dysfunction

Proof god isn’t all-powerful

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the Christian side / the godless side

I was wrong. God wasn’t the deepest source of the mountains of shit of dysfunction that have scarred over my psychological and emotional being, that have destroyed all examples of healthy relationships and healthy boundaries in my life.  There is one deeper. My husband and I are starting from scratch in so many ways in our lives right now, and I always just assumed that the extreme, irrational emotions during our periodic fighting was the […]

Dear Pastor’s Wife.. (and deep mother wounds)

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

I wrote this letter a few days ago when I had some open-ended downtime allowing for the emotions to come forth.  I haven’t mailed it yet. Caroline* was my pastor’s wife during the church I attended from childhood through adulthood.  A mentor during tough times, a shoulder to cry on, a gentle support in times of need, she filled a role of mother in my life that I desperately needed during my teen and young adult […]


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leaving Christianity / the godless side / Uncategorized

I talked to my mom today on the phone for several minutes.  This doesn’t happen that often, and whenever we end the conversation, I remember why. It usually isn’t just one thing, and today was no different. “I just loved the video you posted on Facebook of Purple* [our 6 month old baby girl] laughing!  She sure is filling out though.  Quite chubby! It’ll be okay, as she gets older she’ll thin out,” my mother […]

Damned by a Tattoo

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the godless side / Uncategorized

I have worn eyeliner most days of my life for the past 15 years, and I started years before that (when I was somewhere between 3 and 7!) because of dance competitions and recitals. Although I no longer feel dependent upon eye makeup due to development in my security in myself, I still prefer the way I look with it on.  Three problems with eyeliner: Time.  Toddlers. Smudging. As a mom of two babes and […]

My Parents’ Third Coming.

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the godless side

Dysfunction doesn’t always correlate with religion, does it?  There are actually religious people that have good, healthy families, right? My parents just left from a week-long visit to see their brand-new granddaughter.  (We are now a family of 4! 😀 )  Living 1000+ miles away from them, sometimes I forget what it’s like to navigate the stormy waters of my family’s dysfunction.  I think up these great plans of fun adventures to have with my […]

i DIDN’T kill my parents.

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the godless side / the post-God side

I’ve had two good friends in the last 2 weeks “come out” to their very religious families as no longer believing in God. As each read me the words they chose to speak to their respective families, memories of the horror I felt when I came out surged through me again, haunting me with feeling crippled by guilt for killing my parents and creating a chasm in my relationship with my sister.  But I was […]

The UU Church, severe anxiety, and a kind of prostitution.

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the Christian side

This afternoon we visited a local Unitarian Universalist church.  The people were very friendly, the message was compelling and soulfully good, and I loved the surrounding stained glass windows. But I felt a strange anxiety creeping onto me throughout the service, increasing during the shared dinner following, and overwhelming me on the drive home.  What is this?? After some self-analysis, I realized that my psyche compared today’s experience with my Christian past in which I was […]

Baby’s Funeral Part 2. And why God doesn’t comfort.

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the godless side / the post-God side

2. Belief in God creates an atmosphere of denial for the grieving I was one of the very few people at the funeral wearing black.  Most were adorned in an array of colors.  When I asked my sister-in-law about it, she said, “We have no reason to mourn, ever.  The departed are in a better place, a level of heaven better than on earth.  And we will see them again!”   She continued, “One of the […]