All posts tagged: alone

Depression for an a-theist

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the godless side

There is pressure, maybe we all feel it, to present a strength to the world.  That you are strong.  That either your life is so good it’s worth envying, or it’s so hard that we should all admire your strength within it.  That there is an inner force within oneself, a strong one, that knows things.  That figures them out.  That is the teacher and the student.  We applaud the successes or the authenticity in […]

Dear Pastor’s Wife.. (and deep mother wounds)

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

I wrote this letter a few days ago when I had some open-ended downtime allowing for the emotions to come forth.  I haven’t mailed it yet. Caroline* was my pastor’s wife during the church I attended from childhood through adulthood.  A mentor during tough times, a shoulder to cry on, a gentle support in times of need, she filled a role of mother in my life that I desperately needed during my teen and young adult […]

Human experience and/vs. memory.

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the godless side

My life philosophy now, “live in the moment,” is pretty much the only one that makes sense of a life typically only lasting 80 years and much shorter for the unlucky. But I’ve always had this lingering dissonance with that philosophy: Memory. What is the point of an experience if there is no memory of it later?  If I had no memory of my life before this point, what would my life be?  I wouldn’t […]

Is life a Miracle?

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leaving Christianity / the godless side / the post-God side

Christians love to talk about the miracle of life.  In fact, I associated this feeling of specialness and self-importance with Christianity itself, assuming this religion held the monopoly on having purpose, being chosen, one-of-a-kind, rare, and entirely unique.  This correlation continued into my unbelief and contributed largely to my feeling of disconnect, unimportance, aloneness, and a deep despair due to my constant what’s-the-point thinking. Apart from being angering at the (hopefully) unintentional manipulation of religion […]

The Second Coming of my Parents

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the godless side / the post-God side

The end of last summer was the hardest of my life.  I blogged a lot about this and the extreme emotion difficulties of coming out to my parents, their reaction, and their subsequent visit to Utah where we live.  It was horrible, dysfunctional, silent but deadly, and completely disheartening and chaotic when any words did emerge. It’s been almost a year since then, a year since I’ve seen them, a year since I chased them […]

Scrooged Soul Transformed.

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the godless side / the post-God side

I always used to feel guilty whenever I didn’t journal frequently as a Christian.  It was one of those things I was supposed to do and it tangibly identified my faithfulness in consistency with my “time with God,” as we called it. I suppose I view this blog as my new journal, although this time I actually have a real audience (as opposed to an omnipotent being that I thought poured over my every written […]

Trigger. My Past Abusive Relationship/s.

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

(Disclaimer upon finishing: I didn’t plan to write this.  I planned to write something else entirely, but after writing this first paragraph, something horrible clicked in my mind and I couldn’t stop it) : I was once in an abusive relationship.  This person was in authority over me and a leader in my church.  And this relationship controlled my every move, from who I spent time with, to how long I studied, to my future […]

Baby’s Funeral. And why religion doesn’t comfort.

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the godless side / the post-God side

Yesterday, hundreds of people attended the funeral for our dear friend’s baby girl.  My eyes teared, my heart broke, and my mind spun throughout the entirety of the overly religious, hours-long service.  Three poignant observations I’ll share with you over the next 3 days: 1. Contrary to its claim, Religion excludes community; it doesn’t create it: As I’ve mentioned, the baby’s father has been my husband’s best friend for years and years.  Let’s call him […]

I’m so lost.

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the godless side

Sometimes I write from a positive perspective because it helps me stay afloat, reminds me to keep my eyes up, and gives me some sort of a sense of hope.  I talk about freedom, newness.  But to be honest, life does not feel very hopeful.  I’m overwhelmed and lost much of the time.  I’m hellbound for eternity and purposeless on earth.  How can I be found?! Several nights this week I’ve cried myself to sleep.  I cleaned […]

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

Every bone in my face throbs.  My sinuses ache from the pressure of the tears.  My eyes, swollen and sticky.   This has been the worst night of my entire life. Can you really believe that?  Can I? Is this real?  Such a declarative, superlative statement.  “Worst night” and “entire life.”  Exaggerating? I’ve got to be kidding.  Please, let me be kidding. Honestly, I can think that only the death of my husband or baby […]