There is pressure, maybe we all feel it, to present a strength to the world. That you are strong. That either your life is so good it’s worth envying, or it’s so hard that we should all admire your strength within it. That there is an inner force within oneself, a strong one, that knows things. That figures them out. That is the teacher and the student. We applaud the successes or the authenticity in the challenges.
But what we never see is brokenness, period. Just broken. It’s not pretty, it’s not comfortable. It’s like a dissonant chord, never resolving in the next measure. Odd, unstable. Like someone deformed. We turn away.
But right now, I am deformed. Dissonant. Broken. There is no inner strength to help me. I feel lost and overwhelmed. Depression ebbs and flows throughout different periods in my life. And there has always been hope. Right now, hope is so hard to find. I love my children and my husband. That’s all I have. And I know that that’s enough, because it’s kept me alive and that love is my only source of joy.
I envy belief in god. To know that through the pain, there is someone who’s got your back. Who will give you a hope and a future. Who will work everything out for your good. Who can see the bigger picture and tell you— “It’s going to be worth it.”
In my worldview, there is no necessary happy ending; the ending is unknown. Everything is uncertain. And that uncertainty can be invigorating, but it also means these bleak, dark days have no sure upside. I have to find it, create it, myself. By myself. So the failures are ever so poignant, there is no buffer. I feel weak and exhausted, how am I supposed to create a hopeful future out of such weakness?
God could do it. He pleasured himself on showing his strength in our weakest moments. As perverted as that seems in logical moments, right now I wish I had that strength again. The magic hand that dried my tears and told me everything was going to be okay. That the instability is there for a purpose. That I am here for a purpose.
But that voice doesn’t exist. It is not here.
For the Christians reading this thinking, “Just reach out, he IS there!” You must understand that just because you have an answer for pain doesn’t mean it is THE answer.
And pain is not a cause for belief. Evidence is. I’m not speaking stubbornly, I’m speaking honestly. As much as I may desire for a belief in magic right now, I cannot make myself believe in something. Belief is not a choice.
These 2 am lonely nights are as lonely as they feel. There is no one listening. No one to comfort me. I am a source of comfort to my children, none to comfort me.
Life is so alone.