All posts filed under: the Christian side

Proof god isn’t all-powerful

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the Christian side / the godless side

I was wrong. God wasn’t the deepest source of the mountains of shit of dysfunction that have scarred over my psychological and emotional being, that have destroyed all examples of healthy relationships and healthy boundaries in my life.  There is one deeper. My husband and I are starting from scratch in so many ways in our lives right now, and I always just assumed that the extreme, irrational emotions during our periodic fighting was the […]

Dear Pastor’s Wife.. (and deep mother wounds)

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

I wrote this letter a few days ago when I had some open-ended downtime allowing for the emotions to come forth.  I haven’t mailed it yet. Caroline* was my pastor’s wife during the church I attended from childhood through adulthood.  A mentor during tough times, a shoulder to cry on, a gentle support in times of need, she filled a role of mother in my life that I desperately needed during my teen and young adult […]

My “Science” of Spiritual Encounters

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the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side / Uncategorized

True science has more than one case study and more than just a few observations.  But for now, this is my best attempt at observational recordings of what I have experienced that could have been explained as being “spiritual.” (1) Kansas City International House of Prayer, 2011, as an Evangelical Pentecostal Christian.  Extremely charismatic, gifts of the spirit, other-worldly.  Filled with the Holy Spirit constantly through the whole conference.  Prophecies, by and for me.  Healings, […]

Trigger. My Past Abusive Relationship/s.

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

(Disclaimer upon finishing: I didn’t plan to write this.  I planned to write something else entirely, but after writing this first paragraph, something horrible clicked in my mind and I couldn’t stop it) : I was once in an abusive relationship.  This person was in authority over me and a leader in my church.  And this relationship controlled my every move, from who I spent time with, to how long I studied, to my future […]

The UU Church, severe anxiety, and a kind of prostitution.

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the Christian side

This afternoon we visited a local Unitarian Universalist church.  The people were very friendly, the message was compelling and soulfully good, and I loved the surrounding stained glass windows. But I felt a strange anxiety creeping onto me throughout the service, increasing during the shared dinner following, and overwhelming me on the drive home.  What is this?? After some self-analysis, I realized that my psyche compared today’s experience with my Christian past in which I was […]

5th Grade Cafeteria

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the Christian side

I’ve been a staunch Christian since I was born. My previous post explains how central my faith was to my life. An academic by nature, I read as much as I could and I backed my faith with every written word. Elementary school, I ate up the Left Behind series like it was nobody’s business. My fascination with the rapture carried over into my Scripture studies, and I think I read the book of Revelation […]

Entering the Closet

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the Christian side

Passion for Christ was an understatement – my relationship with Him was everything.  Everything.  He was my motivation for life, for death.  For making healthy choices, for becoming the most solid, well-rounded, compassionate person I could be.  He was the Fire that refined me and the spring water that cooled me.  He was the Sunlight that grew me and the fragrant grass in which I rested.  He was my Shepherd, my Teacher, my Guide, my […]