All posts filed under: leaving Christianity

I don’t believe in God, but I believe in this word from him.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

A friend of mine told me “a word from the Lord” that she had for me.  She doesn’t yet know about my unbelief, but she was at least minimally aware of some difficulties we’ve had in telling others our decision not to return to the overseas mission field. “God is saying that your entire life, you’ve dictated your actions based on what other people would think of you, based on their expectations of you, and […]

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

Every bone in my face throbs.  My sinuses ache from the pressure of the tears.  My eyes, swollen and sticky.   This has been the worst night of my entire life. Can you really believe that?  Can I? Is this real?  Such a declarative, superlative statement.  “Worst night” and “entire life.”  Exaggerating? I’ve got to be kidding.  Please, let me be kidding. Honestly, I can think that only the death of my husband or baby […]

Suffocating. I’m not strong enough.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

When we first saw my parents this morning, exhaustion seeped from them like a rotten stench.  “We couldn’t sleep last night.”  I knew they didn’t just mean physically.  When I questioned my mom on what kept her awake, tears filled her already-reddened eyes and she looked at me as if I should obviously know why.  And I did.  My unbelief.  Nothing more was said. Spending all day with them was like forcing me to stay in […]

THREE HOURS. The moment I fear is almost here…

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

Guys.  The moment I’ve been fearing for months is going to be here in 3 hours.  THREE HOURS!!!! A little background and recap: Our baby girl was born in December, and my parents still haven’t met her.  I haven’t seen them in 10 months.  They were waiting to meet her until we had a date we were going to depart to go back overseas to the mission field.  The trip out here is too long […]

Gungor. If I’ve ever wanted to meet a famous person, it’s now.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

Silver showed me a blog that Michael Gungor (a lead singer in a well-known Christian band) posted.  You can find it here. Paraphrased, he talks about belief, his changes in belief, and asks for empathy and love in the process of no longer being a fundamentalist Christian. I felt like his words were dictated from within me.  My eyes filled with tears as I read them. I am not alone?!? Of course I knew that.  But […]

Coming out of the closet to our pastor.

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leaving Christianity

“Hey, can we meet you for lunch sometime this week?” “How about tomorrow at 11:30?” Tomorrow came.  As I pulled into an empty parking spot, Silver (my husband) was unlike himself.  “You okay?  You seem really nervous,” I asked. “Yeah, I just.. this is a big deal, you know? I’ve been the poster child for the success of our church, so this will be devastating to Jon [our pastor],” Silver’s voice was unstable.  But he was right. […]

13 Months. The hardest year I will ever face. (*fingers crossed*)

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leaving Christianity

It’s been a hard year.  I’ve dealt with several major life changes (moving overseas, losing faith, having a change in my very worldview, and having a baby) along with extreme psychological and emotional strains (Seasonal Affect Disorder, Postpartum Depression, and coming out to my family feeling a total void of support from them).  Allow me to collect my thoughts and present some order to the chaos as I briefly sort it out. Months 1-3: Our overseas […]

To deny or embrace myself??

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leaving Christianity

The motivation for me to come out as an unbeliever to my family was the stifling prison living a lie created in me.  It got too heavy, the lies were too hard to tell, and honesty begged me to dance with her. So I did.  And oh what a dance this has been. The hardest battle you’re ever going to fight is the battle to be just you. Leo Buscaglia Resonating within my soul (or, […]

Six Days — and on the 7th, I say “HERE I AM!”

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leaving Christianity

Thinking through the most momentous milestones in my life, I think I’ve got it down to these: The day I moved away from home to go to college The day I got out of an abusive relationship The day I met my husband The day I moved overseas The day I birthed my baby girl, naturally, with no drugs The day I was honest with my family about my unbelief This isn’t to say that graduations or celebrations or […]

The morning after.

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leaving Christianity

Facing the day after yet another sleepless night, the one that followed the day I faced my greatest fear, my body is in a haze but my mind is on fire.  And my heart?  Trembling, it rejoices. One family member replied to my email writing that s/he was hurt, confused, grieving, and needed professional counseling.  That wasn’t easy, but the others?  Let me give you a glimpse: “I love you [Teal].” “My Dear [Teal], I […]