All posts filed under: leaving Christianity

Dear Pastor’s Wife.. (and deep mother wounds)

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

I wrote this letter a few days ago when I had some open-ended downtime allowing for the emotions to come forth.  I haven’t mailed it yet. Caroline* was my pastor’s wife during the church I attended from childhood through adulthood.  A mentor during tough times, a shoulder to cry on, a gentle support in times of need, she filled a role of mother in my life that I desperately needed during my teen and young adult […]

Christianity is evil. Get it OUT.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

(Cont’d from previous post) My cheeks burn and my heart pounds with rage.  I seriously just spent the last 15 minutes screaming, “F*** YOU God!!  F*** YOU!!”  Words I never, ever thought I would say. He didn’t hear me.  There isn’t a he or a she or an it that exists to have heard me.  But I heard myself.  The me that believed for so many years.  The me that was emotionally and psychologically abused and […]

All babes go to hell.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

A missionary friend of mine shared on Facebook some of her frustrations yesterday.  “I feel like I’m not doing enough, because I’m just home with the kids while my husband works in the ministry,” she wrote.  “But then my little girl [age 3.5 years] took out her Bible and asked me again why they killed Jesus.” Okay, had to stop there for a sec.  What horrible, horrible imagery for a THREE year old.  OMG thats […]

#DysfunctionalFamily

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leaving Christianity / the godless side / Uncategorized

I talked to my mom today on the phone for several minutes.  This doesn’t happen that often, and whenever we end the conversation, I remember why. It usually isn’t just one thing, and today was no different. “I just loved the video you posted on Facebook of Purple* [our 6 month old baby girl] laughing!  She sure is filling out though.  Quite chubby! It’ll be okay, as she gets older she’ll thin out,” my mother […]

I respectfully don’t believe, thank you.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

I made a comment to my dad the other day about something I heard on NPR. “No wonder you’re so liberal,” my dad said.  “You listen to NPR.” Reflecting on his comment a few days later, I realized why it bothered me so much.  Instead of giving me the respect of an adult with critical thinking skills who can come to her own conclusions, he assumed I’ve been blinded and brainwashed, jumping on various bandwagons […]

Is life a Miracle?

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leaving Christianity / the godless side / the post-God side

Christians love to talk about the miracle of life.  In fact, I associated this feeling of specialness and self-importance with Christianity itself, assuming this religion held the monopoly on having purpose, being chosen, one-of-a-kind, rare, and entirely unique.  This correlation continued into my unbelief and contributed largely to my feeling of disconnect, unimportance, aloneness, and a deep despair due to my constant what’s-the-point thinking. Apart from being angering at the (hopefully) unintentional manipulation of religion […]

My #1 Reason for disbelief in God.

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leaving Christianity

Both of my top two reasons for my loss of faith in God were anthropological and came to me out of my own experience and exposure to the real world during our time living overseas as missionaries.  This first reason can be summarized by the following picture and video. And this video (I apologize in advance if this is offensive to theists; the makers of the video weren’t concerned about the feelings of believers.) : […]

Trigger. My Past Abusive Relationship/s.

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leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

(Disclaimer upon finishing: I didn’t plan to write this.  I planned to write something else entirely, but after writing this first paragraph, something horrible clicked in my mind and I couldn’t stop it) : I was once in an abusive relationship.  This person was in authority over me and a leader in my church.  And this relationship controlled my every move, from who I spent time with, to how long I studied, to my future […]

I don’t believe in God, but I believe in this word from him.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

A friend of mine told me “a word from the Lord” that she had for me.  She doesn’t yet know about my unbelief, but she was at least minimally aware of some difficulties we’ve had in telling others our decision not to return to the overseas mission field. “God is saying that your entire life, you’ve dictated your actions based on what other people would think of you, based on their expectations of you, and […]

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down.

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leaving Christianity / the godless side

Every bone in my face throbs.  My sinuses ache from the pressure of the tears.  My eyes, swollen and sticky.   This has been the worst night of my entire life. Can you really believe that?  Can I? Is this real?  Such a declarative, superlative statement.  “Worst night” and “entire life.”  Exaggerating? I’ve got to be kidding.  Please, let me be kidding. Honestly, I can think that only the death of my husband or baby […]