For the first time in 4 years, I believed in God again.: Hallucinations while High

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the post-God side

Having zero experience with marijuana but wanting to experience it with some good friends visiting, I accidentally inhaled more of the vape pen with concentrated cannabis oil than I should have.  Within minutes, I was collapsed on the ground and totally lost all awareness of reality as we knew it.

It started with “this very moment” separating.  Like multiple transparencies from 7th grade school projectors layered on top of each other, starting to separate, so time separated.  And I experienced it one transparency at a time.  Like taking 7 cards held together and slowly fanning them until they were all separated.  Each second is made up of an overlay of several dimensions, experienced by us in reality as a point in time.  But “point” isn’t accurate.  It’s a multidimensional shape.

But there aren’t just 7, there are many.  They separated more and more until I saw 55.  And each of the 55 dimensions of the moment experienced by a person represented their personality.  I could see mine.  55 dimensions in 1 “point.”  Like extracting a strand of silly putty from a ball.  The ball of putty is the point in time we experience.  As we extract it, we could potentially extract it infinitely, pulling it more and more apart revealing more dimensions.

But, I saw 55.  And not only that, I saw 4 quadrants of my person-hood that each experienced each of these 55 pieces simultaneously , and that was what I normally experience as a point in time.

Picture a string with 55 beads, looped around.  Now picture 4 of these strings, these loops, with 55 beads, meeting together in the middle.  My shape, with the 4 quadrants, was a like butterfly.  Every person has their own shape.

But I continued to zoom out farther.  Beyond this point in time, beyond my own person-hood, to now being above all time and history.

Einstein’s theory of relativity suddenly made perfect sense to me.  Time and space were the exact same thing.   Synonyms of the same word.

Not only that, but:

Beauty, love, light, life, color, shape, time, truth.. they were all the same thing.

Anything that was not beautiful, was not full of love, was invisible.  Like a shadow, ash that fell away.

So, I’m zoomed above all time and history.  I could see the world, and it was on a plane.   A two-dimensional plane.  And I was above it, as if floating above a large blanket.  A black, dark blanket.  I couldn’t see much, because most of it wasn’t enlightened.  Most of it wasn’t beautiful, wasn’t true, wasn’t love-ly.  But I could see pieces that were colorful.  Some dim colors, some brighter, in moments throughout human history that demonstrated love and truth.  Like a hole piercing through the dark blanket and colorful, rainbow light shining through.  I could see moments in history where major truths were discovered.  Where people started to share movements of love.  But then, those movements would fade and the color wouldn’t last long, because instead of seeing them as encompassing love, humans would turn them into religion.  And religion was ugly, it was dark, black, ash, invisible.

I could only see the light, the color, I couldn’t see the darkness.  In this place, darkness, pain, suffering, didn’t exist.  It was invisible, had fallen away.

But where I was, was beyond death, beyond present consciousness.   That which occurs in the universe outside our awareness.  That which is full of beauty, color, light, truth.  I don’t know if I could describe it as “where we go when we die.”  But it felt very much that way.  That our consciousness, our shapes, would join with other shapes (other people) into a collective consciousness.  Our consciousnesses, which are made up of bead-like-moments strung together into the different quadrants of our personalities (which combined, make up a shape), then join with other shapes together like more beads strung together, and this long string of person-hoods circles around and around, spiralling up and up into infinite light.

I could not see what was above me in this collective-consciousness cyclone, because above me was unknown to my consciousness.  But it was not black and invisible, it was so bright.  Like everything I grew up believing God would be.  Bright, warm, beautiful.  Too glorious to look at.  Encompassing everything that is beautiful and true and full of love.  But rather than a sentient being “God,” light was just “that which we were spiraling up towards,” like a cyclone forever building as we humans grew in knowledge, truth, and beauty.  “God” was that which we did not yet discover, that which was all beauty and truth.  We created “God” as we continued to spiral up, together, joined in consciousness forevermore in beauty, truth, and love.  Infinite, for there is no limit to those things.

It was so beautiful, I started crying.  Warm, inviting, full of love.   I was overwhelmed by the love, the truth, the knowledge, the compassion.  Everything suddenly made sense.

But, unlike the Christian heaven and god, there is no pressure to know or acknowledge it.  “It” is not a being.  It is a collective consciousness of all that is good and true and beautiful.  A collective awareness.   It just “is.”  It isn’t dependent upon our belief in it.  It’s there, and will be there for us to join upon “death” (or so I got that impression).  It’s existence and our participation in it is not dependent upon our belief in it.

If it is not beautiful, it is not true.  If it is not true, it is not beautiful.

Suffering, pain, insecurities, hatred, abuse, death… none of those things existed here.  Only colorful, beautiful, that which was full of love.


This high lasted 2 days.  The hallucinations in which I was completely gone from all present reality lasted 2 hours.  Then I came down, but didn’t really fully come down for 48 hours.

At the time, I fully believed I was given a prophecy by the logical, atheist version of god.  I was a prophet of a modern-day, scientific, real god that even an atheist could believe in (or, at least, an atheist who was high).   The collective consciousness.  It was insane.  For the first time in 4 years, I believed in god again.

Can you imagine the hope I felt with that awareness in a belief in the supernatural, the afterlife, a true, collective paradise full of love??

But then I sobered up after a couple days and realized how insane of an experience that was for me.  Obviously, it was due to being high on drugs.  Easy explanation.  Either that or, the future collective consciousness seized an opportunity to speak to all of us when it saw that I was high with an altered enough state of consciousness to speak to and through me.  I mean, which explanation makes more sense?  Ockham’s razor.


So I naturally wrote it off as this crazy-ass hallucinatory experience, as epic and real as any of my charistmatic- holy-spirit filled days, but just as insane.  I didn’t even have to argue with myself about it.  The experience was real, but the explanation was simple.


This was a couple months ago.

And then, two days ago I got a book about Space to read to my girls.  My oldest (4 and 1/2) asks us questions all the time about the universe, cosmos, space, etc.  This book had a lot of great visuals so I thought it would be easier to help her understand the vastness and wonder with some pictures.

I opened the page to an explanation about the big bang.  It was the best depiction I had ever seen.  I mean, how do you explain something like that?  Then, as I’m looking at it and reading it, I realize why it looked so familiar.  It was exactly like my hallucinations about the collective consciousness spiraling into greater light and truth.  It was exactly like my hallucinations about time and space being identical.  I put the book down and got overwhelmed suddenly with hope again:  What if I was right?? What if it wasn’t just crazy??


I mean…. Okham’s razor.  It’s a pretty easy explanation.  But it shook me up, even while sober, enough that I figured it was worth mentioning, writing, and remembering.



The Author

I'm a closet atheist christian missionary. Paradigm shifts happen frequently for those who allow themselves to think critically about currently held beliefs and openly about new ones. I’ve developed the skill, or perhaps addiction, for change but the community around me is slow to catch up -- and would damn me if they knew where I stood.

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