Finding your identity in Christ…
This was a message spoken to me day-to-day, week-to-week for decades. It was about my self-worth, and my need to find it in another entity. What does that mean when that entity disappears from your psyche by disbelief in his existence? It means your worth disappears along with it.
My worth, as a human, inherently and intrinsically, was always nothing. I was only valuable through the eyes of god, who was willing to look past all the filth and redeem me. This means that without god, I was worthless. Without his eyes, I was worthless. And without his love to wash away all my nastiness, there was nothing his eyes could even see to give me worth.
So, not only was my worth only ever found in god, my potential worth through his redemption was also only found in him.
This echoes my mother and her messages of my worthlessness outside of perfect performance.
But I’m now 31 years old. I’m an adult, without god and without my mother within 1500 miles of me. So what makes me feel so worthless now?
These messages given to me in my earliest of brain formation are extremely hard to rewire. I’ve learned to be my worst critic, my worst judge. I’ve learned how to be the eyes of god (because it was always me anyway), but I’ve lost the blood of Christ to redeem me. The judgment remains without the grace. Learning to give myself grace, compassion, and unconditional love outside of perfection is my only hope for regaining a sense of self-worth.
I never loved myself. I only loved god, but hated myself. Self-love was indulgent and sinful. Self-love was selfish and worldly. But now…. self-love is all that can save me.
I must find my own worth in myself. I must find the love within myself. I must be my greatest friend instead of my worst enemy.
Kristin Neff and her research on self-compassion have been a great resource for me. I hope I can grow in its practice, because I think that that may be a threshold for me in finally regaining a sense of worth.