Sometimes my experience of my life is heart-achingly sad. It’s been over 2.5 years that I’ve been godless, and, despite my “enlightenment,” consistently I find that it is very difficult to find joy.
According to the bible, the following are the result of the holy spirit: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.”
Contrary to Christian teaching, I’ve found that without the spirit of god in my life, there is now MORE love, MORE peace, MORE kindness (especially genuine kindness!), I don’t even know what goodness means, and MORE gentleness. (As for faithfulness and self-control, those seem inapplicable without the belief in sin, although I find myself deeply committed to my loves–my family, and acutely aware of not causing harm to others).
But joy? It’s hard.
Depression is dark and plaguing, painful, confusing. Dimming the skies of my life with an overcast grey that discolors the rainbows of simple moments. More often than not I want to curl up in a ball and cry from the despair. It’s not because there is no life after death. It’s not because I don’t have someone to talk to (pray to) all the time. It’s not because I don’t have some warped, constant abusive love that I found awkwardly comforting as a Christian. To be honest, I don’t even know why the joy is gone. What was once one of my greatest gifts as a Christian is now one of my greatest losses, and perhaps the only evidence, though cruel it may be, that I see for the existence of god. — my absence of joy.