My first real experience with alcohol

comments 15
the godless side / the post-God side

brandy-585796_1280I’m 29 and I’ve never had as much alcohol as is in my system now.

I just wanted to write down my observations while I felt the substance.

  1. How could anyone drive like this?? I am extremely aware of the fact that I can’t move normally.  Do people get less aware the amount that alcohol affects them the more alcohol they have?
  2. I feel clumsy and like the world around me is spinning.  My head moves much faster than the environment in which it is (don;t know how to word that better right now), so it feels very much like I’m in a spinning, confusing deep water pool or something.
  3. This doesn’t feel good to me.  It doesn’t feel bad either.  But it’s definitely not something I feel like I need to experience often other than just the fact that its a human experience and I want to participate in it since this is the only life I have.
  4. I like the relaxation that alcohol provides, but I feel the same level of relaxation on a much less disturbing-of-normal-things amount– meaning, I can still feel relaxed without feeling out of control.
  5. I actually really hate that my movements and thinking are slow.  My typing is slow.  My fingers don;t wrk as well.  My actions aren’t as quick to ensure I can handle things correctly.  Mywalking is difficult. And that’s incredibly annoying to me. I want to live clear headed and not take 10 minutes to make homemade popcorn on the stove to ensure I don’t break anything or burn myself.  Annoying.
  6. Out of control is fun  .  Maybe? But more just as an experiement, like I was saying above.  This isn’t in any way shape or form the way I want to spend my life perpetually.
  7. What does it mean to be drunk? Buzzed? Tipsy?  Idk where I am because I don’t know those standards.  I don’t like that my vision doesn’t keep up with me, that my movements don;t keep up with me, but I don’t feel like I’m completely out of control.  So…. I don’t really know if this is what its’ like “to be drunk.”I only know this is the most experience with alcohol I’ve had.
  8. The end. I’m tired of writing now.
  9. Bullet point observations:
    1. my tongue is loosed
    2. everying blurred
    3. i just want to laugh and cry my emotions are right here so surfaced.  bt i am in th eback, held, controlled, trapped
    4. thick tongue.
    5. wan to speak in tongues
    6. numb mouth
    7. wriling world
    8. first really frustrated.  now like a circus
    9. tngue is super thick. wants to be loosed

—–

Sober now, I’m reflecting on my experience.  I remember actually hating it a lot.  I love so many things about being alive in the human experience, and I like things that make that experience heightened, but this felt like it dulled and dimmed and slowed the human experience for me in a negative way.  I felt like the real me was trapped in a body that wasn’t working correctly and nothing that I did could get it back on par.  Talking was difficult.  Thinking was difficult.  Simple tasks were difficult.  I didn’t trust myself to hold my baby unless I was securely sitting on the couch.  Everything about that felt really annoying.  I hated feeling trapped in my own body and mind.  The definition of impaired means weakened, damaged, disabled.  That sounds like the opposite of what and how I want to live my life.

How could that get addicting??

If it’s to let off some steam or relax, I feel like there are a million other things that I would rather do.

Does this mean I’ll never have a drink again?  Certainly not.  Does this mean I’ll never have enough to “get me drunk” again?  I don’t know.  Not any time soon.  It just wasn’t a positive experience for me.

One positive reflection, though:  It was really nice to feel completely free to make that choice on my own without having any sort of guilt.  And I am equally as free to not choose to do that again.  Freedom really is quite wonderful.

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The Author

I'm a closet atheist christian missionary. Paradigm shifts happen frequently for those who allow themselves to think critically about currently held beliefs and openly about new ones. I’ve developed the skill, or perhaps addiction, for change but the community around me is slow to catch up -- and would damn me if they knew where I stood.

15 Comments

  1. Violet says

    Try drinking less next time! If your speech is slurred and your vision is blurry, you’ve had way too much…moderation is a good thing. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Alcohol affects people differently. Usually I’m a happy/funny drunk. But it really depends on the mood you’re in and the people you’re around. Some people are chemically addicted to it, for various reasons, so that’s something else to consider.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. That was entertain to read. I don’t drink much any more for those same reason. I don’t like the loss of control and I always wonder if something goes wrong and I need to act or think fast, I’m pooched and likely to look irresponsibility stupid.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha! This was funny to read. Yes, you were definitely past buzzed. Perhaps tipsy during part of it, but by the end where your tongue was thick and your emotions skewed, that was drunk. I’ve only been drunk once. I’ve only been tipsy a few times. Buzzed is where I get after I’ve had one glass of wine and halfway into the second. I get giggly. And really, really sleepy. I’ve been told you can drink past that but I’ve never been all that interested. Just let me giggle a little and then go to bed.

    Addiction usually is because in a certain number of people the chemical breakdown is different than those of us who are “normal”.

    I’m not at all certain that everyone who is labeled an addict is really an addict. Here is one major difference; you and I love live exactly as it is. We want to experience all of it. Most likely our good experiences outweigh the bad ones. The chemicals in our brains find the silver lining even in the negative experiences. Even in our painful experiences our brains tell us that this, too, shall pass. It won’t last forever.

    Many people who drink to excess on a regular basis do so precisely because it does dull their senses and, thus, their pain. Their brains work differently than ours. Painful experiences are magnified. They don’t see ways out of those painful experiences and they continue to feel it. The only way to deal with it, in their minds, is to dull it. That’s the only way they can relax because when their senses aren’t dulled they are uneasy, tense, and anxious. Personally, I can’t imagine feeling that way all the time. I would likely drink more if I did feel that way. I can see why they do it. Especially people who have experimented with antidepressant after antidepressant and not found relief. Finding the right drug or the right cocktail of drugs and being properly diagnosed with the proper diagnosis can feel like a crapshoot.

    Sorry, I’ve gone off on a tangent there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That actually makes a lot of sense, and explains a lot! Thank you for the tangent, it really was helpful in shedding some light on mine vs. others’ vs. addicts’ drinking!

      Like

  5. Alcohol doesn’t really have a good effect on me either. Mostly I get dizzy, too hot, and drowsy. But before I can drink enough for any other effects to show up, I’m asleep. So pretty much the only reason I drink is as a sleeping pill.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I find being mildly drunk pleasant. I self-medicate using alcohol for my anxiety. A glass of wine makes me less afraid. Now more than that is unpleasant, where I find myself being unable to move as I wish and think as I wish (oh what fun being a control frieak!). I also get weepy when I get too intoxicated and my ears turn a rather bright red. Not fun being drunk with a stuffed nose. 🙂

    First time I got totally tanked is with my future husband and a mutual friend. They were in the Army together. Do not inadvertently drink as much as 6′ guys who were soldiers when you are a 5’4 female. Future husband had me drink a lot of water, take a couple of asprin, and tucked me into bed with a wastebasket near by. I knew I had to keep him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So sweet for him to take care of you like that! 🙂 And I agree — one glass is plenty to help relieve anxiety, I love the feeling of relaxation it can provide!

      Like

  7. Your reason for disliking being drunk is similar to the reason my husband likes to always wear tennis shoes during all waking hours – He wants to be free to run and go wherever he wants to at any time.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My experience with alcohol is almost the same as yours. The world seems to spin around my head, while I can’t concentrate much on what I am doing. It sometimes seems as if seconds pass by and I don’t even notice it. Then I feel dizzy, sometimes feeling like laughing for no reason. I also recognize I could not drive under this condition. And if I stand on one foot, I would fall. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

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