I don’t want to spend any more energy on this than I already have, but I need a place to express frustration with my sister.
For the first time ever in our lives, she didn’t call me to wish me a Merry Christmas. Or answered my call when I tried to call her.
Both Silver and I received “Christmas” cards from her and her family (husband and kids) in the mail. But she was very careful to say “Happy Holidays” and not mention Christmas once, to either of us. She hates the phrase “Happy Holidays” because she sees it as a secular infringement upon a religious holiday — something she knew that I know, so her writing it to us reveals a subtle attempt at a passive aggressive alienation of me from the family.
She signed her card to me, “I love you and always will.” Always will?? Oh the condescension! Of course, from her perspective, she’s being as good of a person as she can, even going above and beyond to say that she loves me “no matter what.” What self-righteous bullshit. What “always will” implies is a “despite” claus. I love you DESPITE your disgusting journey to hell. Which actually, to me, is no form of love at all.
And let’s talk about love for a second. What exactly does she mean by that?? Since my coming out to her a year and a half ago, she has never once ONCE asked me why. She has never begun to try to understand me. Never a single question about my journey away from faith or what I believe now. In fact, she hardly calls me at all. Once every two months maybe, MAYBE and the conversation always centers around her. Always. Our lack of reaching out to eachother is mutual. I call her just as often. But at least when I do, I actually talk to her. I ask her with interest in what’s going on in her life. Does she have any clue who I am or what I am doing or what my life is like now? No. Then how can she possibly, possibly love that which she does not know or care to know???
We finally talked on New Years Day, after two a failed attempts at trying to reach her. “Merry Christmas Kali, and Happy New Year!” I said to her. “Happy New Year,” she said to me, blatanly leaving out a holiday. Despite my questions about her family and their celebrating of Christmas, how it went, my interest in their entire holiday break together, about tradition and presents and anything else, she never once, ONCE in the entire conversation asked me about our Christmas. She never said that word to me.
I hate her selfishness. I hate that her righteousness and sorrow for my soul blinds her from seeing her selfishness. And from seeing this terrible irony that has separated us as sisters:
My a-theism isn’t what keeps me from enjoying a relationship with my family, or from participating in special holidays and traditions. It’s her DAMN Christianity!!!! SOMEONES beliefs in our family have created a chasm or broken relationships. But it isn’t mine!!!!