Scrooged Soul Transformed.

comments 5
the godless side / the post-God side

I always used to feel guilty whenever I didn’t journal frequently as a Christian.  It was one of those things I was supposed to do and it tangibly identified my faithfulness in consistency with my “time with God,” as we called it.

I suppose I view this blog as my new journal, although this time I actually have a real audience (as opposed to an omnipotent being that I thought poured over my every written word as I poured over His.)  Because of the similarity, I find myself feeling a twinge of guilt at my lack of posts lately.  And I feel a need to explain myself, but I’m going to resist that urge because I believe it comes from an unhealthy place of a combination of obsession/compulsion, legalism, and need to please others.  Let’s just say this: I haven’t posted lately because, obviously, there were better things for me to do 🙂

christmas-eve-436138_1280Christmas this year was as different than last year as the east is from the west, a phrase used to describe what god used to do to our sins, and something that I believe adequately describes the contrast between December 2013 and 2014.

One year ago I cried in despair, loss, grief, and loneliness at my faith transition and at being overwhelmed, exhausted, and postpartum-ly depressed from a newborn baby.  This year, I laughed and smiled at a renewed sense of hope, intimacy with my immediate family, confidence in our future, and absolutely in love with my baby girl and the strength of our relationship.  We established new Christmas traditions that didn’t involve the Bible or manger scenes.  I could sing Christmas carols without striking my soul with its death.  I could celebrate, truly, the season of generosity and love.  And warm drinks, candles, egg nog.  And Christmas lights, cuddles, kisses, surprises.  And holding my baby close to my chest, my husbands arm around mine, walking around the city.  Enjoying our family.  Grateful for life.

One moment of darkness did manage to creep in on Christmas night.  The thought of no life after death enveloped me like the cold, dark wind outside.  Suddenly I felt terrified of dying, and incidentally, of living.  The moment lasted about 15 minutes before joy returned.  I’d take those 15 minutes in order to have my present overall freedom.  But no afterlife, no eternal anything, still haunts me from time to time.  What’s the point of everything, of anything?? It’s difficult for me to conceptualize that life no longer is because, but just is, and will one day no longer be.

Merry Christmastime dear friends.

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The Author

I'm a closet atheist christian missionary. Paradigm shifts happen frequently for those who allow themselves to think critically about currently held beliefs and openly about new ones. I’ve developed the skill, or perhaps addiction, for change but the community around me is slow to catch up -- and would damn me if they knew where I stood.

5 Comments

  1. I truly get this, the end of it all. One day, no more. I think I’ve made peace with the “what’s the point?” thing. I’ve had it said to me as people (mother and a sister) struggle with my non-theistic world view. For me I came to a place where I don’t have the answers to why we are here, how we got here (humans on this planet) or even to some extent, what’s the point? I’ve told them I don’t know. All I know is, I am here. And that’s the point. So now what?

    Well, live while I’m here and create the point.

    I still have my moments though. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Gorf says

    This reminded me of this blog post that I told you about two months ago: http://somewhatunprovoked.blogspot.com/2011_05_01_archive.html

    I hope you enjoy 😉

    BTW, I have to remind you again that I love your writing!!! In particular, your description in the second sentence in the last paragraph above. You have a beautiful way with words. And I agree, it is haunting to think about ceasing to exist.

    Like

    • Yes yes to the blog post you shared!! It is a super crazy thing when I realized that if atheists are right, we will never ever ever know it. It’s kind of depressing, because I always had this thought in my mind that once I died I would know everything, in time. Now it’s like — gosh so many unanswered questions!! It creates a sense of urgency within me, however. I never take a single day for granted. I just wish there was a way to prove, once and for all, what happens upon death.

      Like

    • Also, thanks for your compliment 🙂 I love to write, I’m so glad people like you exist who can appreciate it from time to time 🙂

      Like

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