Trigger. My Past Abusive Relationship/s.

comments 12
leaving Christianity / the Christian side / the godless side / the post-God side

(Disclaimer upon finishing: I didn’t plan to write this.  I planned to write something else entirely, but after writing this first paragraph, something horrible clicked in my mind and I couldn’t stop it) :

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I was once in an abusive relationship.  This person was in authority over me and a leader in my church.  And this relationship controlled my every move, from who I spent time with, to how long I studied, to my future plans.  I was always in communication with this person.  If I ever went more than a few minutes without responding to a text or call, there would be hell to pay.  This person demanded I admire them more than any other.  When it came to any future relationship or family, I could have no one else nor love anyone else more than this person, ever.  And if anything ever threatened any of the above, this person would manipulate me with cries of depression and self-destructive behavior.  “God wants you to sacrifice yourself, Teal.”  Let’s call this person Jack.

I was once in an abusive relationship.  This person was in authority over me and was THE leader of all Church.  This relationship controlled my every move, from who I spent time with, to how long I studied, to my future plans.  I was always in communication with this person.  If I ever went more than a few minutes without responding, there would be hell to pay, though supposedly it was already paid for me.  This person demanded I admire them more than any other.  When it came to any future relationship or family, I could love no one else more than this person, ever.  And if anything ever threatened any of the above, this person would manipulate me with cries of his self-sacrifice dying for me.  “God wants you sacrifice yourself, Teal.”  Let’s call this person Jesus.

I feel hot tears forming in the corners of my eyes and an anger rising up in me that I have only ever known once.  In spring of 2010, I was reading a book in my dorm room prescribed to me by a counselor I sought out to help me deal and heal with my past with Jack.  Something the author said triggered within me a release of the dam formed from years of callousing my own emotions for the sake of another.   “OMG, this was abuse.”  The maniuplation blinded me before this moment.

Everything within me exploded.  From my bowels to my voice to my eyes, it all went haywire in reaction as I replayed every night Jack stole from me, every teenage moment, every social event, every potential boyfriend, every year, day, minute I could have spent studying or playing or learning or developing instead I spent chained to Jack.  Jack stole my mind, my body, my life.  And I HATED him for it.  A hatred that had built up for several years had finally erupted within me.  I felt so much anger, my human body could not contain it.  I screamed for days.  Cried for months.  Lost my voice multiple times.  Nearly broke my steering wheel on several occasions and ripped every pillow I owned.

But healing came, eventually.  I haven’t spoken to Jack in years, though Jack still haunts my dreams at least once a week and always leaves me feeling sick or terrified.  Yet, there is healing.

But this?  I always looked at Jack as ruining my life more than any person ever could or would.  But God???  god???? God stole everything, EVERYTHING from me.  And this is the first time I have ever seen this relationship as abusive.  I remember the moment I first recognized what Jack had done to me as abuse.  This is that moment with god.

I can’t even believe my eyes, that these words are coming from my fingers appearing on this screen.  This is the greatest revelation I’ve had in a long, long time and I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of beginning to process it.  My Everything stole my everything through manipulation and exploitation.

And I am left shocked and utterly speechless.  I am in recovery from the most abusive relationship humanity could know.

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The Author

I'm a closet atheist christian missionary. Paradigm shifts happen frequently for those who allow themselves to think critically about currently held beliefs and openly about new ones. I’ve developed the skill, or perhaps addiction, for change but the community around me is slow to catch up -- and would damn me if they knew where I stood.

12 Comments

  1. Some of us have been where you are; with a diversity of experience but we “get it.” Deep breaths Teal. Healing, recovery, ups and downs. All parts of the process. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This hits close to home as I’ve been writing this week about abuse. It was only after I’d escaped an abusive relationship that I came to terms with the ultimate abusive relationship. So many shared characteristics. Only I didn’t recognize it as such. Like you, in reading a book about narcissists a light bulb came on and I realized that the reason I hadn’t recognized the abuse of my partner was because it had become somehow acceptable because it was…just like my relationship with god. I was nothing. He was everything.

    Like Zoe said, deep breaths and keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that you are not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow, what similarity!!!! I am shocked! (But I guess not really). Do you think there is a tendency for Christians to be in abusive relationships, or do you think the two have nothing to do with each other?

      I’m sorry for your past and that my pain also hits close to home for you. *hugs* and healing to you!

      Like

      • Hmm…I’m not sure if there is a tendency for Christians to be in abusive relationships or if certain personality types have a tendency to seek out religion[in our case, Christianity]. There definitely is a relationship between the two, IMO. Maybe it’s a question of which came first, the chicken or the egg?

        I’ve written a few posts about this if you’re interested. I won’t link them here unless you are.

        Like

  3. I can only feel a tiny fraction of the pain and fiery anger you have felt, but it’s enough to haunt me. I am so, so sorry you experienced this. And I am so, so glad you found Silver, who is one of the least controlling people I know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your sorrow, it means a lot to me.
      I too, and SO glad I found my husband. I agree he is anything but controlling and has been a source of great healing for me.
      Have I ever told you the story of when I broke up with him? (This was when we were first dating) Or even the story of how we started dating in the first place?

      Like

  4. Pingback: Rage at manipulation. Unbelief and my business start-up. | teal tomato

  5. Pingback: Proof god isn’t all-powerful – teal tomato

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