I’m so lost.

comments 11
the godless side

church-391981_1280Sometimes I write from a positive perspective because it helps me stay afloat, reminds me to keep my eyes up, and gives me some sort of a sense of hope.  I talk about freedom, newness.  But to be honest, life does not feel very hopeful.  I’m overwhelmed and lost much of the time.  I’m hellbound for eternity and purposeless on earth.  How can I be found?!

Several nights this week I’ve cried myself to sleep.  I cleaned our home the other day and picked up a scrap of wrapping paper left over from my mom’s gifts to my baby girl.  I lost all emotional strength.  I replayed my mom burying her face in her hands to cry in excruciating grief as she lamented over being separated from me for all eternity while I will be tormented in hell.  Her pain.  I feel sooooo responsible for it.  Guilty.  

Then I picked up the book she gave me before they said goodbye, Heaven is For Real.  She is desperate, as desperate as she has ever been, for me.  Eternal damnation for her daughter — nothing could hurt her more deeply.  “You and your sister, you are my world.  You are everything to me,” she said through tears.  I can’t handle their pain.  I would honestly do anything to take it from them, and I am completey overcome with heaviness at the thought that I did this to them.

Sometimes life seems utterly hopeless to me.  There is just so much pain, and I feel responsible for all of it.  What solace do I have??

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The Author

I'm a closet atheist christian missionary. Paradigm shifts happen frequently for those who allow themselves to think critically about currently held beliefs and openly about new ones. I’ve developed the skill, or perhaps addiction, for change but the community around me is slow to catch up -- and would damn me if they knew where I stood.

11 Comments

  1. ktrinh4213 says

    It’ll come with time, but you’ll realize that their understanding won’t come from your forcing them. They have to accept that their little girl is grown up and is allowed to think for herself. You’re an adult, you make your own decisions. Your guilt is misplaced, because you’re not the one doing this to them. They’re doing this to themselves because they refuse to accept you for who you are and what you believe. Certainly it’ll help for you to broach the subject with them, but only when you feel that both parties are ready.

    A lot of love goes out to you, Teal. We’re all here for you. A lot of us have walked the same paths as you have. Find solace in the fact that you can find help and support.

    A lot of us have yet to walk your path (like myself) and perhaps look to you for strength and guidance. We’re all interconnected that way. You’re not alone at all. You’re strong, you’re so strong. Take solace in your strength and fortitude. Be proud of where you are today, be proud that you can be true to yourself and look at yourself in the mirror.

    With love,
    K.Trinh

    Liked by 4 people

    • Mm, thank you for your encouraging words. It’s difficult to remain strong, but your mention of interconnectedness helps SO much. Knowing that I’m not alone is one of the more difficult things for me right now to gras[, so thank you for that!

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  2. I doubt this will bring Solace, but remember that you are doing the best you can. Go easy on yourself. Socrates said that all people choose what they perceive to be the best choice in any given situation. So have compassion on yourself. Remember, you are not causing their grief.

    And hopelessness comes and goes. Try to realize the significance that you exist at all. Not just being aware that you exist, but its significance. Spending time lamenting over the future or wishing things in the past were different is a sure fire way to hopelessness (as you’ve already found). Believe me. I have been there! The key, at least in my life, has been to accept everything in life as it comes. I find that if I resist what is happening and wish it were different (this goes for past, present, and future), that’s when the never ending downward spiral of hopelessness starts. But I’ve also found that acceptance does not mean resignation (which I think is a form of apathy). Acceptance is a positive starting point for how to move forward from where you are.

    I know it’s hard, Teal. We are all rooting for you. Have a cup of tea and give yourself a chance to relax for a few minutes.

    All the best,
    Andy

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I agree with the others that it isn’t your guilt to carry, but I wouldn’t go so far as to put it on your parents either. I would be angry at the religious teachings themselves in your position. How could anyone love a God that would damn their child for being true to herself? What reason aside from fear do they have to continue worshipping such a monster? I feel like it must be so different from their perspective, but it truly baffles me.

    I think that strength and fortitude are two separate things. It took strength to talk to your parents with sincerity, but it will take fortitude to weather the storm now. It’s okay to cry, it might even be good. Emotions have a way of balancing themselves out if you let them. Holding on to guilt could make that harder, so I hope you come to feel free of that soon.

    Also tea. I agree with the tea idea.

    Liked by 3 people

    • “Monster” — been pondering that for several days. Their view of God is a monstrous one, isn’t it?? Yes, strength and fortitude — feeling the fortitude now. I’ve have many cups of tea lately..

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  4. (((Teal))) . . . your mom’s reaction, I call that the agony of belief. I remember that agony as I prayed prostrate on the floor shampooing my bedroom carpet with my tears for the salvation of so-called unsaved family members.

    I then remember the agony of belief as I watched my grandchild baptized into a faith and realized there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. The weight of it all was to me almost unbearable. I went into shock for about three days. I didn’t think I’d come out of it and I wasn’t sure I wanted to either.

    I have to mention that the group of readers you have here who are commenting have some wonderful words for you and I find them helpful to me. I can find wisdom in each and every comment. I sort of feel like I should write them all down and refer to them every day. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes. I’ve cried many times in agony over the unbelief of close friends and family. I can empathize with my mom, and with your experiences of difficult moments within your faith. I’m sorry you’ve felt that before 😦 And I agree, these group of readers (including you) has been an incredible support for me. Thank you!

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