Guys. The moment I’ve been fearing for months is going to be here in 3 hours. THREE HOURS!!!!
A little background and recap: Our baby girl was born in December, and my parents still haven’t met her. I haven’t seen them in 10 months. They were waiting to meet her until we had a date we were going to depart to go back overseas to the mission field. The trip out here is too long for them to make often, so they were going to come meet their grand-baby and see us off at the same time. But our departure date kept getting pushed back farther and farther for several months, all for reasons completely out of our control. So when we told them we weren’t going to be missionaries anymore, they had a terrible time with that. So much so that I felt the need to come out completely with them and reveal my unbelief. That was (and is) terrible.
And now I’m going to see them. In person. The people that I love most and that I’ve hurt with a pain they describe as worse than anything they’ve ever felt. And they will see their grand-baby, a child they always feared would go to hell and now they’ll be certain of it. (Feared because that’s what fundamentalist Christians care about most — the salvation of their descendants). And they’ll see me, the rogue prodigal daughter that hasn’t returned. And see Silver, the man who led us into darkness (from their perspective).
This is completely uncharted territory. I have absolutely no idea, NO idea what will happen. We’ve never been an emotional family. We rarely talk about how we feel, about deep things we’re going through. My parents will be here for 10 days. Will that be 10 days of hell? Of interrogation? Of tears? Of guilt trips and power control wars? What will they do when they first see us? Will they hug me? Will they let go? Will they cry? Plead? Pray desperately? Will I be able to handle it? Will I stand my ground? Will I be loving and gracious? Will I shout and cry too? Will I just shut up and shut in and depart into my shell like I usually have? I have no idea.
The spiders in my stomach are back. I can’t believe this is really happening.