THREE HOURS. The moment I fear is almost here…

comments 13
leaving Christianity / the godless side

Guys.  The moment I’ve been fearing for months is going to be here in 3 hours.  THREE HOURS!!!!

A little background and recap: Our baby girl was born in December, and my parents still haven’t met her.  I haven’t seen them in 10 months.  They were waiting to meet her until we had a date we were going to depart to go back overseas to the mission field.  The trip out here is too long for them to make often, so they were going to come meet their grand-baby and see us off at the same time.  But our departure date kept getting pushed back farther and farther for several months, all for reasons completely out of our control.  So when we told them we weren’t going to be missionaries anymore, they had a terrible time with that.  So much so that I felt the need to come out completely with them and reveal my unbelief.  That was (and is) terrible.

And now I’m going to see them. In person.  The people that I love most and that I’ve hurt with a pain they describe as worse than anything they’ve ever felt.  And they will see their grand-baby, a child they always feared would go to hell and now they’ll be certain of it.  (Feared because that’s what fundamentalist Christians care about most — the salvation of their descendants).  And they’ll see me, the rogue prodigal daughter that hasn’t returned.  And see Silver, the man who led us into darkness (from their perspective).

This is completely uncharted territory.  I have absolutely no idea, NO idea what will happen.  We’ve never been an emotional family.  We rarely talk about how we feel, about deep things we’re going through.  My parents will be here for 10 days.  Will that be 10 days of hell? Of interrogation? Of tears? Of guilt trips and power control wars?  What will they do when they first see us?  Will they hug me? Will they let go?  Will they cry? Plead? Pray desperately? Will I be able to handle it? Will I stand my ground? Will I be loving and gracious?  Will I shout and cry too? Will I just shut up and shut in and depart into my shell like I usually have? I have no idea.

The spiders in my stomach are back.  I can’t believe this is really happening.

My parents will knock on our door soon...

My parents will knock on our door soon…

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The Author

I'm a closet atheist christian missionary. Paradigm shifts happen frequently for those who allow themselves to think critically about currently held beliefs and openly about new ones. I’ve developed the skill, or perhaps addiction, for change but the community around me is slow to catch up -- and would damn me if they knew where I stood.

13 Comments

  1. Andy says

    Be humble, be truthful, be gracious, be understanding, and be you. You have your own journey and they have theirs. Wishing you the best.
    Andy

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good luck, you can’t change them, only how you relate to them. I’m sure you can be understanding, you know where they’re coming from, and that’s good so long as you don’t lose yourself. You’re very brave.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much! I do know where they’re coming from, I think that’s partly what is making this so difficult…. And thank you for telling me I’m brave, it feels so the opposite sometimes!!

      Like

  3. I hope you have much success tonight.

    The only advice I can give is to try to encourage them to cope with this on their own terms. If they think their god has a perfect plan for everybody, then your doubt must be part of his perfect plan for you, and they should trust their god to work it out for you in his own time. If they think that god loves everybody and is just, then they should trust their god to be loving and just toward you as a seeker after truth. If they think god works in mysterious ways, then his hiding from you right now must be one of those mysterious ways, and who are they to question god?. If they have some image of a god that they can just trust, if they can “let go and let god” as the pastors so often say, maybe that can help them calm down. I don’t know. I just hope they can come to terms with this enough to let you be a real family again,

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes yes yes!!! I totally agree with you. If they believe so strongly in their God, then they must also learn to trust him with me!! If he is so good and true and perfect, then won’t he find me again?? I don’t understand why all of their peace is gone right now. I wish so desperately they trusted God, even if he doesn’t exist!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Teal,

    I agree with the other commenters, be yourself, be honest, be true and don’t feed their darkness reflecting in you.

    You are strong, kind and so aware of where you are, don’t get consumed by anxiety, but rather lift your eyes up and be proud of yourself for the courage you’ve already exercised. They will learn to respect you (my hope for you), but only if you show that you are not a ‘prodigal’ child seeking to prove your pride or arrogance.

    Treat yourself with gentleness, and show them that you have not abandoned your love for them, but simply found a deeper love for yourself and a dedication to your Truth.

    Hold you light firm, and share it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you thank you thank you! As always, you are deeply encouraging. I’ve been trying to remember some of these things you’ve said throughout the last couple of days; they’ve been tough.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. ktrinh4213 says

    Deep breaths and always remember that you’ve got all of us at your back, and you can always find support in us if not them. It’s not the same but it’s still something. 🙂 You’re much loved and much cared for, by strangers who have no reason to care other than the fact that you’re here. You exist. We care BECAUSE you exist, not because of which side of the fence you’re on. And I think that’s an awesome idea. 🙂 Stay strong.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It IS something. It truly is, and I don’t know what I’d do without it, to be honest. I don’t have support of my family or of god anymore.. so any support you give is SO needed and appreciated. Thank you!!!

      Like

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