Baby’s Funeral Part 2. And why God doesn’t comfort.

October 16, 2014
by tealtomato
comment 1
the godless side / the post-God side

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2. Belief in God creates an atmosphere of denial for the grieving

I was one of the very few people at the funeral wearing black.  Most were adorned in an array of colors.  When I asked my sister-in-law about it, she said, “We have no reason to mourn, ever.  The departed are in a better place, a level of heaven better than on earth.  And we will see them again!”   She continued, “One of the common phrases in prayers that we say is ‘and bless those who have cause to mourn, that they may be comforted.’  But that prayer has never sat well with me, because we never have cause to mourn.”

The entire theme of the service was that God called this baby girl home.  His will and love caused her to die, and she will be reunited with her parents upon their death.  Not only that, but the church authorities proclaimed over her mother, “Jane*, I proclaim over you that you will be able to raise Amelia* as in heaven as her mother!”

Several talks by multiple people all echoed the same thing — God’s will caused this, Amelia is happier now, your life will be better now (because God is wanting you to learn a lesson from this), and everything will be made right, redeemed, and even better in life after death.

All of the above uses god as a buffer for dealing with real pain.  Religion casts a shadow over reality and places its followers in denial of the truth:  A baby dying is tragic, always.  The gaping hole she left in her parents’ hearts remains regardless of their faith.  Religion fills that hole with sawdust and expects life to grow on top of it immediately.  Reality fills that hole with the blood and tears of grief.  Confront pain with a buffer, and it becomes infected, often ignored, and festers through the years only to be covered up by more sawdust.  Cyclical dysfunction.  Confront pain with reality, and the immediate effect feels more poignant, but only then can true healing can take place.

Amelia’s death is agonizing.  Period.   This is a terrible time for her parents.  Period.  This should not have happened.  Period.  And we are so sorry, soooo sorry Gavin and Jane for your pain.  No “but,” no offering of hope, no distraction from reality.  Just “We’re sorry.”  Period.

Baby’s Funeral. And why religion doesn’t comfort.

October 14, 2014
by tealtomato
comments 3
the godless side / the post-God side

Yesterday, hundreds of people attended the funeral for our dear friend’s baby girl.  My eyes teared, my heart broke, and my mind spun throughout the entirety of the overly religious, hours-long service.  Three poignant observations I’ll share with you over the next 3 days:

1. Contrary to its claim, Religion excludes community; it doesn’t create it:

As I’ve mentioned, the baby’s father has been my husband’s best friend for years and years.  Let’s call him Gavin.  They grew up together, shared their teen years together, questioned theology and pondered philosophical ideas together. They were friends for life, and widely regarded as the future leaders of the church.  I can’t overemphasize the depth of their friendship.  But now that Silver no longer believes the way they do, the relationship has been severed.  And not just with Gavin, but with everyone in his community.   Most (almost all) of these relationships have been severed intentionally.  Silver is poison and must be ostracized for everyone’s own good.  But with his best friend?  Gavin has never abandoned Silver on purpose.  But the chasm between them remains.  Why?

Silver comes from a very rare community of Mormon fundamentalists. This group has a number of significant differences from the LDS church, most notably of which is the practice of plural marriage, or polygamy. As Gavin spoke at the pulpit during the funeral service, shaking with the passion of a father who lost his only daughter.  “Why do we do what we do??” He begged the congregation, referring to their unconventional way of life.  He had mentioned a moment earlier that he and his wife had 51 siblings between them. Polygamy makes for very large families and even larger extended families.   He then asked “How many of you are my family?”  A sea of hands arose.  Mine was the only hand who remained down within my visual field.  Silver raised his hand of course, he and Gavin are second cousins once removed, but that’s not what makes them family. Years of shared experiences and intimacy made them as close as brothers once. But the feeling is no longer mutual, because when the family and dear friends arose to pray over the casket, Silver was not asked to join them.

He is no longer considered the family that matters.  He will not be joining them in the Celestial Kingdom, the highest of heavens, upon death.  Gavin didn’t do this — his beliefs did.

Churches of various denominations advertise to the public for guests to join them in order to be a part of a loving community, a new family.  But what they don’t say is that one must convert in order to be a part of that family.  Not because the people of that religion are selfish — in fact, some of the individuals try their best to be as open-armed and open-hearted to “outsiders” as possible.  But religion forces boundaries on who is and who isn’t part of an eternal family.  There is no willpower that brings someone into the fold that religion says isn’t.

Silver will never be asked to join his dearest friends and family for their most sacred moments in times of tragedy or in times of celebration.  Only, only because religion has told them he is not worthy to do so.

Eff religion and the pain it creates by dividing peoples, by separating loved ones, and for not allowing my husband to participate in the mourning of his best friend’s baby girl alongside him.

religion forces sharp boundaries between people

religion forces sharp boundaries between people

Death of baby.

October 13, 2014
by tealtomato
comment 1
the post-God side

My husband’s best friend and the best man in our wedding lost his 15 month girl a couple days ago.  The funeral is in the morning.  She was accidentally ran over in their driveway by her mother’s sister.  It’s been a tragic few days.

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With a baby girl of our own, this death has hit close to home and grieves us while simultaneously causing us to cherish our own even more dearly.  Thinking about death and loss, I asked Silver the night she died, “If you were on your deathbed right now, would you regret anything?”

In general, the answer was no.  More specifically, “Today I wished I hadn’t watched football and instead spent that time with our little girl.”

There’s a cliche saying, “Live today like it’s your last.”  I don’t like cliches.  So instead, think of it this way: Today IS your last today.  Every night your head hits the pillow, you’ve died to that day.  You can’t get it back.  Make the most of it.

What does “the most of it” mean?  I encourage you to prioritize your life, simply.  If you have 15 priorities, there’s no way you can ever feel satisfied.   Try less than 5.

Right now, my two greatest priorities (and in this order):

1. My family: my husband and baby girl.

2. Creativity.  Allowing myself to create in different ways. (Photography, DIY projects, starting on a new in-home business, music, writing, cooking, etc.).

If I had to choose a third: Philanthropy/Humanitarianism.

If I or anyone in my family dies, I will be completely satisfied if I spent all the time I wanted with my husband and daughter.  As a bonus, if I explored creativity and did some humanitarian work, I will die smiling.

Amelia’s* death brings a great amount of pain and suffering.  But perhaps she can also remind us to squeeze every drop of each day into our water of our lives, and then remind us sip it slowly.  Rest in peace sweet Amelia.

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*name changed for privacy

The greatest disease: Gratefulness

October 4, 2014
by tealtomato
comments 3
the post-God side

Gratefulness is contagious guys.  Make it part of you, and it will change your life!!  DO IT!

bottle-92418_1280When I first started writing my list of 27 great things about the past year, it was difficult for my to think of any more than just a few.  Discouraging at first, I racked my brain for what good things could come from such a hard year.  But once my brain ignited the engine of gratefulness, it hasn’t stopped.  I encourage you to do the same.  Here are a few more that have been swimming in my thoughts since my last blog:

28. We’ve become more involved in community events.  We’ve attended several outdoor concerts this summer.  And my husband has danced with our baby at every single one.

29. My girl LOVES music.  She dances and shakes her head whenever she hears a beat of any kind.

30. I discovered my favorite wine and beer.

30. I ordered wine at a restaurant with dinner for the first time in my life.

31. Our time overseas has increased my appreciation and humility for having simple pleasures and a comfortable life.

32.  I’ve renewed my passion for photography and am mastering the balance between aperture, shutter speed, and ISO.

33. I started painting again.

34. I learned how to make a delicious and healthy pumpkin spice latte.

35. I am more willing to admit my weaknesses.  No, not just admit them, but I am no longer afraid of them.  My weaknesses show my humanity and security.

36.  Despite having no god, I still have compassion on the hurting.  I feared this would leave along with my Christianity.

37.  I am learning what freedom really means.

38. I am becoming more confident in standing up for myself and am learning to fear confrontation less.

27 Things. Happy Birthday to Me

October 1, 2014
by tealtomato
comments 2
the post-God side / Uncategorized

Today, I turn 27.  Last year, today, I was in a busy market in downtown Manila picking out souvenirs for our family back home in America, desperately trying to hurry as my husband herniated a disc and could barely move.  He wouldn’t have at all, except that it was my birthday and he wanted to buy me some local pearls to lift my spirits from an otherwise overwhelming few months.

The year that followed was no easier.  In fact, it continued to get more difficult.  I can easily say, hands down, that my year 26 was the hardest year I’ve ever faced, and perhaps ever will face.  I know deep within my bone marrow that my optimism for 27 isn’t unfounded, and one year from today, my post will look much different than this one.

I’ve already described how hard this year was in this post.  So, if I can look back on an incredibly difficult year and find 27 amazing things about it, then I believe I can face anything.  So, in honor of turning 27, here I go:

1. I had an amazing labor and non-medicated delivery, birthing our darling baby girl in water.

2. I’ve been able to spend every moment of my darling baby girl’s life with her, aside from some “me-time” that I’ve needed.

3. I’ve discovered how incredibly precious life truly is.  After losing belief in eternal life, it has made my daily choices in each moment so much more valuable.

4. We parent our baby girl with love, kindness and gentleness.  I’ve learned there is a name for this philosophy — attachment parenting.  I am SO grateful that we have established a secure attachment with her, and I have now become an advocate of Attachment Parenting for all.

5. Our baby is the happiest baby I’ve ever met.  Ever.

6. I’ve noticed the smells of flowers, the colors of leaves, enjoyed the mountain air, beautiful sunsets, sips of tea and delicious lattes more than ever before.

7. We’ve gone on more hikes this year than any other year.  And every single time, our little darling came with us.

8. I’ve fallen more in love with Silver as I’ve watched him adore our little love, fathering her beautifully.  My heart melts and drips through my eyes every time they make one another laugh.

9. I’ve found a creative outlet for my thoughts — thank you, blog.

10. I witnessed my favorite color in the world: The pacific ocean water in Big Sur Calfornia at 5pm in June wearing polarized sunglasses.

beach-2528_128011. I’ve watched the sunset over the Pacific ocean on a hidden beach around Big Sur.

12. I’ve tasted the sweetest, juiciest, most flavorful strawberry picked minutes before eating it feet from the ocean.

13. I’ve faced and conquered my greatest fear — the extreme disappointment I created within my parents upon telling them I no longer believe in God.

14. Despite the humiliation, rejection, and disappointment with everyone in our surrounding community, I have maintained my authenticity for the sake of my integrity.  I have discovered how truly courageous I am.

15. I’ve discovered health in a new way.  Healthy eating, whole foods, making conscious and intentional choices with our bodies has become a renewed priority.  This is partially because of how fragile I’ve realized life can be.

16. I successfully made my first batch of kombucha.

17. I found my favorite chocolate: Theo ginger dark chocolate (and it’s fair trade!).  And I’m eating it now, thanks to my best friend sending it in the mail for me ;)

18.  I’ve become more open minded in every way.  I’ve learned of the reality of global warming and discovered a passion for green, clean living.

19. Also within that open-mindedness, I’ve become less judgmental of others.

20. We have paid off all of our debt.  We have nearly nothing to our name, but we also don’t owe anyone anything.

21. Despite our dysfunction, I still love my family and I know they love me.

22. My body is resilient.  I’ve recuperated from delivering our baby, feel amazing, am active and healthy.

23. I’ve done much of our shopping at farmer’s markets.

24. I found 2 beautiful real opal rings (my favorite stone) at a local farmers market for a great price.

25. My sister-in-law is marrying a local organic farmer.  We visited the farm and in addition to free produce whenever we want, he is going to teach us all the how-to’s with farming whenever we want to help harvest and/or plant.

26. We have successfully camped with our darling girl twice!

27. Teavanna had an incredible sale, and I stocked my cabinets with a year’s worth of delicious, aromatic teas.

 

Here’s to my greatest year yet!

 

 

Does God revoke healings in order to teach lessons?

September 19, 2014
by tealtomato
comments 7
the post-God side

A few years ago, my wrists caused me a lot of pain.  Typing and playing piano were the culprits, but it spread to sharp pain even in simple daily activities like cleaning or driving.  I had to wear wrist guards/braces and ice packs, even during my college classes which was at least moderately embarrassing.

art-painting-285919_1920In early 2011, I was experiencing one of these bouts of pain at my pastor’s house and my pastor’s wife decided to pray for me.  “God can heal you!” she said.  So she held my wrists, said a simple prayer asking for healing, and immediately I felt warmth pour over my wrists and the pain ceased.  I’ve never had to wear wrist guards since then, and even packed them away with all our junk when we moved overseas.  It was a testimony of God’s goodness in my life.

Until last night.  In the middle of watching a movie, completely out of the blue, “Ooooow!” I exclaimed.  “My wrist reeeeeally hurts,” I told Silver.  From the best of my knowledge, I did nothing to damage it.  The pain arose seemingly from nowhere.  And it only grew to the point that I had to keep my wrist nearly completely stationary, an impossible task with a 9 month old nearby.  By the time my fingers started tingling like I was losing feeling, Silver left to the nearest late-night pharmacy and bought me a wrist guard.  I’ve been wearing it for 12 hours now.  The pain is still sharp, but it keeps my wrist stationary enough to be able to pull off typing this post with my fingers.

Despite my unbelief in spiritual things, there’s still this fearful doubting I experience from time to time.  And the thought is crossing my mind: Could God have done this to teach me a lesson, to attempt to prove to me he exists and that he’s in control, to show me I’m in a dangerous place?

There are a lot of things wrong with those questions, including the fact that I don’t think belief is a choice.  But it still crosses my mind.

Grateful to whom??

September 19, 2014
by tealtomato
comments 8
the post-God side

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Yesterday was beautiful.  Silver and I drove a loop through the mountains in the early evening to soak up the golden oranges and vibrant reds amidst the dark pines.  We pulled over to hike for a couple miles, face-to-face with these leaves while I wore our baby around my front, holding, hugging, cuddling, giggling with her as we walked.

We came home and grilled delicious asiago, garlic, green onion, bacon burgers for dinner.

Darkness fell, and I strapped my little darling around me again, made a decaf raspberry latte, and her and I went for a stroll around our neighborhood.  We stopped at the overlook and gazed over our city admiring the lights.  I sat in the grass, sipped my latte, enjoyed the warm autumn breeze. My baby girl got out and played in her magical little baby land, exploring the acorns and fallen leaves around her.

I started to whisper, “Thank you,” and I realized I had nobody to thank.  But feeling overwhelmed with gratefulness, I felt compelled to say thank you.  The universe? That’s silly and just transfers my need for a sentience beyond myself from my idea of God to some personalized fate.  But I have a deep need to thank someone.  Who do I thank now?

Do you believe in Magic? These people do.

September 15, 2014
by tealtomato
comments 6
the post-God side

We spent the last few days camping with a few people from Silver’s community and some of their non-religious-yet-crazy friends.  (If you don’t remember, my husband comes from a super-fundamentalist religious group).  We stay in contact with these people because they are family, Silver’s friends from childhood, his home community.

The appeal of the fresh autumn mountain air, changing colored leaves, and quality family time made the choice to camp with them easy.  What I didn’t expect was that we would be camping with little gnomes searching for treasure.

We spent one of the days with this 20 + people group as they explored the mountains and hills for hidden treasure.  Literally, hidden treasure.  These were adults that believed that refined gold was buried in these parts just waiting for a believer to dig them up.  What convinced them? Aside from legends they read (that, upon our further research, are completely bogus, btw) they use dowsing.   A dowsing rod is a hand-held metal stick that answers any question based on its movements in the asker’s hand.  Here’s more info on dowsing.  Crazy, right?  “The gold is over here, buried 6 feet underground!”  When we questioned them on it, ever-so-gently, they said, “It was verified by a second source, the PPL rod!!” thinking that would convince us.  Two witnesses, right?  What’s a PPL rod?  Basically a super-fancy $1,200 dowsing rod.   ($1200!!! The owner said his friend owned one that was $27,000!  Holy expensive magic!!)

They dowsed for everything.  Silver stumbled upon the only morsel of treasure found on this trip: the weathered remains of a latrine and outhouse.  Everyone came around to it, curious about what royalty once sat upon it.  How old was it?  The dowser knew!  “Is it more than 50 years old?” He asked.  It swirled.  ” more than 100 years old?” Still swirled.  Around  “120 years old?”  It began moving side-to side.  “It’s 120-130 years old guys!!” He told the group with certainty.  What a way to discern truth.

Let’s go back about 16 years for just a minute.  The public school placed me in a special class for excelling students once a week with other similar students.  We privileged 5th graders sat around tables with piles of yarn and small washers in the middle as we listened to a brain chemist talk about mental powers.  She had us convinced that we could move things with the power of our mind.  So we tied the yarn pieces to the washers, held them out straight down with our elbow on the table so the yarn-washer could swing around like a pendulum.  Then she instructed us, “Just using your thoughts, focus on the washer and say in your mind, “‘back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.'”  We watched, amazed, as our washers each moved back and forth!  She continued, “Now say, ‘front and back, front and back, front and back.'”  Again, supposedly by the power of our minds, the washers moved a different direction.  I’m magic!!! This lasted for a few minutes before she busted our bubbles.  “Actually, this has nothing to do with mental powers and everything to do with slight movements, even involuntary movements, in the muscles of your hand and arm.  You want to believe your mind did it, so your physical muscles will play along to give you what you think you want.  These movements are called the ideomotor effect.”

To this day, I want to thank that brain chemist for teaching me an incredibly valuable lesson I’ve taken with me ever since then: Desire can have a super-powerful effect on perception.  Similar to a placebo, the power of our minds can convince us nearly anything, rational or irrational, natural or supernatural.

So, back to our camping trip.  These people truly, truly believed that by ouija-board-like magic, they held supernatural keys that would unlock riches.  Not only that, but when Silver got a sliver in his hand and asked for a first-aid kit, they pulled out a tackle box full of rocks.  These were special types of crystals, each having properties to aid in the healing of various ailments from bug bites to torn ligaments.  One of them can even “reset chakras” when you whirl it around a person in a specific way, something that has anecdotally fixed headaches.  This space in the first-aid kit which could have been filled with tylenol, band-aids, or ice packs was instead weighed down by magic rocks.

(We snapped a quick photo of the "first-aid" kit while they weren't looking.)

(We snapped a quick photo of the “first-aid” kit while they weren’t looking. You can see over 2/3 of it is filled with these crystals.)

These people aren’t witches, don’t practice wicca, and are strongly against “new age junk.”  Instead, they pray before using the dowsing rod, believing that the Lord God will direct them to treasure.  And when we ask about it, they state, “it has been scientifically proven!”  Ironic, because not even gravity has been scientifically proven.  They use neither science nor have any real proof, but their strong desire to be magical keeps them believing.

I mean, think about it.  How epically cool would it be if we really had magical rocks that possessed special powers, that upon too much usage, needed to be cleansed in running water or a sun bath?  Or how cool would it be if we actually had magic wands that could point us anywhere, that we could ask anything, and it would tell us?  We long to be important, to be a part of some epic adventure story.  This longing runs deep within humanity and shows up in the lives of every religious group and person.  More on this later.

For now, we felt like Disney’s Pocahontas when she shows John Smith the real gold of the land.  The truth is, we did find gold in those mountains.  But instead of this:

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It looked more like this:

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That is our magical gold.

Thank you, pastor’s wife, for giving me back my Dignity.

September 10, 2014
by tealtomato
comments 5
the godless side

My pastor’s wife and I went for a walk this weekend.  Her words refreshed me more than anything anyone has said in a long, long time.  Why?  Because someone who we’ve “come out to” still affirms my value and worth, even from somewhat of a position of leadership over me.  (I say somewhat because we still consider that church to be our home church, as much as a church could be, because many of our friends attend and that was the church at which we used to be on staff.)  It’s a tiny church, but we know everyone well and have always loved their quality of unconditional love they show the world and to me.  (As much as Christian love can be unconditional).  I wrote a previous blog about my pastor’s reaction to our coming out as unbelievers here.  If you remember, Jon said, “this changes nothing” in terms of how he saw us.  His wife, we’ll call Michelle, demonstrated that by her actions to me this weekend.

A few days ago, some women in this church got together for a celebration and I attended.  A discussion that had some political hues to it emerged, and one woman got so offended that she left in tears.  Everyone felt very misunderstood.  I remained quiet throughout the duration of the conversation.

So Michelle told me this weekend,  “Teal, I trust you and your perspective.  I want you to speak to me about my heart and pour into my life if you feel there is anything that needs correcting at all.”

My jaw almost fell to the floor.  She still trusts me and my perspective?! She wants me to give her my insight?! I wouldn’t have been surprised if people shut the doors to their life when I came around to protect themselves from my “poison.”  But not only did she not shut the door, but she invited me in.  Wow.

There is such value given by invitation.

We also talked about our future plans.  Now that are no longer going to be missionaries, where will we live?  What will we do?  It’s a difficult, exciting, though sometimes hopeless place to be.  But she provided not only valuable insight, but words that showed me not only that she still cared, but that even God cared (in a way other than disappointment).  “I listened to this sermon by Tim Keller the other day,” she said.  “It was about rest and the sabbath, and that sometimes we need to truly rest to the point that we no longer place our identities in anything that we do.  I think you are going through this season in this journey you are on to learn that you no longer need to do anything in order to be valuable.  Your value isn’t in ministry, in reaching out to people, in humanitarian work, in fighting human trafficking, in anything.  You can just be still, be with your baby girl and with Silver, and still have value.”

In describing me finding my identity apart from dysfunction, she never mentioned “finding it in God.”  Resfreshing.  Shocking, even.

I think that she believes that God is directing me towards freedom.  And there is an incredible amount of hope and relief from that.  Not because I believe that God exists, but because her worldview still allows for me to have as much value and purpose as I did while I served on staff as a missionary.  And not only that, but that my value remains constant even while in this place of atheism that I am now.  Hell and damnation aren’t even a thought in her mind.  Just my finding freedom — which to her, is a direction for me that her God desires.

This is unity.  This is freedom.  This is hope.  This is love.

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Freedom is always worth it.

September 8, 2014
by tealtomato
comments 2
Uncategorized

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Freedom is always worth it.

I go to sleep in peace tonight with a feeling of authenticity I haven’t experienced in a long, long time. “Thank you God for everything you gave me this weekend, restoring my sense of worth.” I would pray that tonight if I believed Someone listened. Instead, I just sleep in gratefulness and a renewed vitality. It’s truly been over a year I’ve felt robbed of this.

Specifics in the morning. Dream sweetly, friends.